Dads often get a bad rap for failing to help out more with child care; many employed women have commented on this blog and elsewhere that they pick up an undue share of the parenting duties. As Father’s Day nears, a new study suggests moms may have the power to change that — by offering dads a little more support on the home front.
In the closest look yet at how mothers’ behavior may shape dads’ involvement in parenting, a study of 97 couples with infants links both encouragement and criticism from mothers to fathers’ level of engagement.
Encouragement from mothers seems to have the most powerful impact, says Sarah Schoppe-Sullivan, lead author of the study, which appears in the June issue of the Journal of Family Psychology. Complimenting a man’s parenting, setting aside time for him alone with the baby, asking his opinion and praising his fathering in the presence of others, were strongly linked to greater paternal engagement and nurturing.
On the other hand, even dads who were determined to be involved, and who believed mothers and fathers should be equal co-parents, hit the sidelines when faced with a critical, judgmental mother. Among father-toxic behaviors by moms: looking exasperated at dads’ attempts to tend the baby; rolling their eyes; re-doing tasks he’d already done, or “talking through the baby” by saying things like, “Daddy made your bath too hot, didn’t he?” says Dr. Schoppe-Sullivan, an assistant professor of human development at Ohio State University.
The behaviors are “enough to send a message to the dad that he’s incompetent.” In probing this phenomenon, labeled “maternal gatekeeping,” researchers asked couples to fill out various questionnaires and dress their babies together while being videotaped.
Many moms probably aren’t even conscious they’re sending negative signals, Dr. Schoppe-Sullivan says. Here, I offer a mea culpa: As a new mother many years ago, I was so anxious that my baby be safe and well cared-for that I rushed to control every detail of her care. I certainly didn’t intend to shoulder out her dad, but my behavior had that effect. Only in time did I learn to step back and encourage him to get involved.
What has your experience been? Does Mom dominate child care in your family? If so, does that hurt Dad’s involvement? To what extent does anxiety cause parents to behave this way? And should men just get over it shrug off criticisms and step up to the plate anyway?